Gypsy Love.

If you've ever felt it, you know what I speak of....

The intangible chemistry that draws you to another....like a moth to a flame. At times it's instantaneous, brought on by the first sentence out of someones mouth...or a glance that you can't quite decipher. It's something  in their eyes, or their smile, or the way they look at you....a quality within that person that calls to you on a primal and remarkable level. Simply put, it's magic. Gypsy magic I think....at least that's what I tell myself. Because my experience with this kind of intensity began with a Gypsy...

I have been in love so many times, I almost can't recall. I go all in when I'm with someone, so NOT loving who I'm with isn't an option. Why be with someone who makes you feel nothing? That's pointless and I've no time for it. But true chemistry....the kind that consumes you with very little effort, well that is a rarity - even for me. Though I've loved many, and been engaged 3 times...there are but 2 men in my lifetime that gripped my heart so fiercely that I believed I was created only for them. That the chemistry and connection was so strong...that nothing else mattered. Not logic, or logistics.....continents or demographics - that fierce longing and belonging superseded all else.

"...and so I find myself here, in the shadows of my past...filled with ghosts who are reminders, that love it never lasts...."

That first man, was so long ago - nearly 20 years to be exact. I don't think of him, or even reminisce of those days. In hindsight, he was a cad. A liar, a cheater, someone who was never worthy of my adulation. So I shall skip him altogether. 

But The Greek....the Greek is where this story begins. 

I have called him the Greek or the Gypsy for a year now. Few even know his real name. To say it evokes such a tenderness inside me, I think I prefer to keep it sacred and unknown to the world. Even now, it rolls off my lips like a whisper....like a dream.... 

We met on Tinder...much as I've met many men. I never expect much from these online dating sites, and he was no exception. A few intelligent messages exchanged and he had peaked my interest enough to meet for coffee.  I made time after I'd had dinner with another male friend, having expected it to be like most Tinder meetings....awkward and quick to end. However when I walked up to the Starbucks and saw him sitting there, I was immediately put at ease by the warmest most genuine smile on his face. He exuded a kind of confident happiness that you rarely see in men these days. Certainly not in one as young as he was....he was only 33 and yet had the wisdom of the ages in his dark, mysterious eyes. We sat for 2 hours - talking about the world and history and politics and all manner of things I normally could care less about discussing with a stranger. But he was different. Worldly, knowledgeable, educated, charming....with a magnetism that made me not want to leave this first meeting. I secretly wished he'd try to kiss me, but he did not. He left me bewitched and unable to focus on anything for the next 2 days until we met again.

The chemistry was palpable. I will not go into detail here, but I have never felt so completely at ease or at one with another person in my life.  His schedule was chaotic and he had little time for me or a social life....but the few times a week we would carve out for each other were spent in a haze of lovemaking, talking, reflecting, sharing and then more lovemaking. It was a brilliant and tragic 4 months and I wouldn't change a second of it. We both understood going into this "relationship" that it was without promise or commitment. He would be leaving the country at the end of his tenure (he was a visiting professor) - and going to teach in another country yet to be determined. Our age difference never factored into the relationship...he was mature beyond his years and his focus was on his career and not settling down with a wife or family. Though I often wished our paths had crossed at a different time in our lives, where he was more stable and ready for a family. Though by the time that comes around for him, it would be entirely too late for me. Much as I wished I could give him children and be his wife, it just was not meant to be. Time and circumstances can be so cruel....

So my Greek left the country the same week I began traveling in the Tiny House. Nearly 8 months ago now....

We've kept in contact and remain friends - and while I wish him every success and happiness in the world, I have longed for something that rivals that intense chemistry I felt with him. That oneness with another person. Feeling as though someone actually sees who I am - aside from all the antics and the crazy persona so prevalent on social media or when I'm entertaining a crowd with my silliness. Few people can see past that...and so I remain the "crazy Shannon" that is so easy for me to be. Feelings can't get hurt when you hide them behind laughter and jokes....so I play it that way all the time. It just makes life less complicated I find. Even still, I secretly wondered if his Gypsy magic had stolen my heart and carried it across the world with him. Well, I wondered that up until now. 

The world works in mysterious and unpredictable ways. It's a miracle we have any sanity left when life is busy throwing so many curve balls at us all the time. 

A few weeks ago I went to visit a friend. He was with some of his friends, who I got to meet as well. As per usual I was behaving like my typical crazy Shannon self - cracking jokes and amusing (or at least trying to) the group. There was a fellow there....he seemed a bit quiet and I barely caught a hint of any interest whatsoever when we were introduced. I assumed he was just being polite when he shook my hand and made eye contact. Southern gentleman and all. I honestly didn't pay much attention, as I was merely there to see my friend and catch up with him after moving to Tennessee. Then something strange happened, and during a  group conversation at the bar I suddenly became keenly aware of this man. Aware of him in a way that made me wish we were alone together, and could have a regular conversation without me being funny and crazy Shannon. Something about this guy was intriguing as hell and I had not been intrigued by anyone in 8 months (though believe me...I tried and I tried and I tried). It was bizarre - and yet the feeling I had was so palpable I could taste my desire for this man. So much so that once everyone had left I basically accosted him and told him I wanted to kiss him. Is it strange that I was surprised he obliged me? Because I was genuinely surprised he didn't run for the hills.

Fast forward to today and a whole new appreciation for chemistry and subsequent "angst" and frustration that go along with it. As luck would have it - the Greek did not take every piece of my heart and soul across the world with him. He left just enough for someone else to climb in there and make me feel like a dumbstruck, foolish schoolgirl. It's lovely....truly. Not the feeling of being foolish and more interested in someone than they are in me...but that fact that those feelings are still possible. That clearly I'm not some ice queen who has lost the ability to be submissive to a man. It's such a burden always being in control, that the lack of being in control is like a drug. I want this man so badly because he makes me feel like a girl. All warm and fuzzy and like a smitten kitten - it's quite embarrassing. But quite awesome as well. 

Of course, as my luck would have it...he also is focused on his career and NOT on being in any kind of relationship barring something ultra casual.  Again, he has his own things going on....and we are also at different junctures in our lives. He may be able to give me butterflies in my stomach and make me feel like a girl....but a young girl I am not. Youth is wasted on the young....as is fertility and the ability to create a family.  How many times have I heard that same sentiment echoed by men from my  past? Too many.  It always stings. Like a hard slap or a punch to the gut. I can be so many things....but I can't be that. 

"....fools dreams that are now memories, a solitary life; for hopes that go unanswered, and wrongs I can not right..."

03-01-19